Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Why are we overcome with fear

"Why are we overcome with fear, what if I told that fear isn't real"..... "What if I told you my friends, you could live without". FEAR!!!!!

    Eight weeks ago I was in Florida getting ready to take part in a ride that started on the east coast of Florida in Cocoa Beach. The bike would end almost eleven hours later at Linda Peterson state park in Weeki Watchee Springs, Florida. 170 miles later. Actual time on the saddle of the bike was 9 hours 57minutes. In one day. The furthest I had ridden in any one day in almost 20 years was probably 50 miles. Three times that distance. What was I thinking. But with the support of my wife Danese, Steve's wife Anja, daughters Rebekah and Lisa-Nöel and my nephew Tyler off we went. They were driving that same 170 miles at basically 25-35 mile clips. Meeting up. Replenishing liquids. Making sure that I ate. Making sure to re-apply sunscreen. Ah the Florida sun. 88 degrees. Not the usual 99% Florida humidity but higher then my home state of Pennsylvannia non the less. And of course, 12-15 mile per hour head wind the whole frigging 170 miles. 160 riders started. My best friend Steve Potter had flown in from Pagosa Springs Colorado. Both Steve and I had done this ride in 92 & 93. Steve and I had talked, chatted, daily on Google gchat. Encouraging each other. Pushing each other. WE HAD TO DO IT! There was this driving force. You see Steve and I had not physically seen each other in 18 years. Yes there were tears! A day still of encouraging. Pushing. Pulling. The finish line, 170 miles ridden. A raised glass. A toast! Two old friends reunited in a common undertaking.

    Two weeks later. Chest pain. Shortness of breath. WTF!!!!!. " No it can't be"!!!!! Emergency room. 24 hour hospital stay. Testing. All coming up negative. Anxiety? What? Schedule a nuclear stress test. Put it off a couple weeks. "We have to get your heart rate to a specific level then we will inject you with a nuclear tracer and you'll walk another minute then we'll take pictures of your heart to see where the blood is going under stress". Heart at the desired level, ah crap, blood pressure shoots up to 215 over 72. Hmmmmmm! "That's not good". What do you mean by that? Couple days later. Chest tightness and shortness of breath again. Call the doctor. "Get to the emergency room right now, the stress test results were, abnormal". FEAR!!!!!! Cardiac catheterization test. No blockages. Hell, no plaque at all. WTF? FEAR!!!!!

Why are we overcome with fear. What if I told you fear isn't real. "Whatever"! Tell my brain it's not real. 

    Today, eight weeks later my first more lengthy bike ride. 28.7 miles. Frigging hills. What a place to test your heart. Test your FEAR. Not bad. Legs are a little soft. Breathing a little stressed. 170 miles, honestly felt a little more tired than the last 50 miler that I had done. Eight weeks, it goes so quickly. The first hill, a 300 meter 3% grade. Heart rate up. FEAR!!! Turn around, this is stupid. The music on the play list keeps playing songs with a reference to fear. WTF! I've just had probably 20 plus thousands of dollars of test, my heart is fine. But they didn't test the brain. Is there a way?

    FEAR!!!!!!!!!

     Ah, a glass of wine. Maybe two. Maybe three. Hm the doctor gave me a scrip for Xanxax. FEAR..... It isn't real you know? But it is real. My heart rate going up, my tightness in my chest. Both are real. But my mind has created the fear.

   " For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.

    A sound mind. Over the past 18 months I was given a prescription by my primary care physician for both an anti depressant and anti anxiety. In the 18 months fear has raised its ugly head more often than I care to even admit to myself. That fear has come in many forms. I have over the past 18 months struggled with self esteem. FEAR!!!!!! Am I good enough? Why couldn't I be this person or that person? Who am I? The self esteem issue has opened up many other forms of fear in my brain. You can't do that! 170 miles! Support a family of our size!

    "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7.

Why can't I just get it?

I will keep trying. I did it today. 28.7 miles. It's a start right? I am good enough. God certainly thinks so. Does it matter who else does!!!!!!!!!

"Why are we overcome with fear, what if I told that fear isn't real"..... "What if I told you my friends, you could live without", lyrics by Scott Stapp form The Great Divide album.