Thursday, December 6, 2012

Drawbridges

"Drawbridges"

Halfway closed....... Halfway open........
Circling water
Dark deep
Meandering corridors, Cold stones sweat
Noises
Footsteps
Voices
Echoes from within
Doors heavy, big and wide
Rusty hinges
Creaking closed
Rooms contained
Safety inside
Chambers, spaces
Hidden well
Creaking open
Halfway open...... Halfway closed......
                         Written by: Terence Grandfield

The journey started some months ago.......



A book. "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen.

Not a prolific book reader, I think you may be able to count on the digits of my hands and feet the total number of books that I've read in my lifetime. But this one affected me.

The story of a "homecoming"!

In this book, Nouwen recounts his infatuation with a painting by Rembrandt, "The Prodigal Son" and how he would sit for hours starring at this painting. Even going to see the original at the Hermitage in St. Petersburg, Russia.

A "homecoming" of a beloved son! A father that never gives up!

With open arms!!!!!!!!

This began my finding of the writings of Nouwen to stir thoughts in me. Struggles in my life at that time were needing to be addressed.

"Meandering corridors, Cold stones sweat
Noises
Footsteps
Voices
Echoes from within"


I have ignored for too long.

I found myself taking the "Return of the Prodigal Son" to work and finding myself opening the book at various times in the day to read just a few more lines. The words seemed to speak directly to me.

Was Henri writing is book for me?


"Doors heavy, big and wide
Rusty hinges
Creaking closed"


Another book by Nouwen, "The Inner Voice of Love". A devotional styled book with short readings. The story of Henri as he went through a seriously anguished period in his life. One in which Henri sequesters himself away for several months. Many times questioning himself about the "pain" he had endured throughout his life. The feelings of abandonment and rejection.

The lack of knowing a true love.

"Rooms contained
Safety inside
Chambers, spaces
Hidden well
Creaking open"


The journey begins Sunday August the 11th. It concludes Wednesday December 5th. Four months!

Did I learn?

Thought this period I have also been seeing a counselor. I have taken an antidepressant. At times use Xanax to help me sleep.

My dreams haunt me!

A mess!

"Halfway closed Halfway open"...........

"The Inner Voice of Love" speaks to my heart......

Over the four month period I have learned to listen to a voice that speaks from deep within. A haunting voice.

A reading from Henri Nouwen's book, "The Inner Voice of Love" almost jumped off the page and became an audible voice to me. It was one that I read on November 25th.The title was, "Permit Your Pain to Become the Pain".


"Your pain, deep as it is, is connected with specific circumstances. You do not suffer in the abstract. You suffer because hurts you had at a specific time and in a specific place. Your feelings of rejection, abandonment, and uselessness are rooted in the most concrete events. In this way all suffering is unique. This is true of the suffering of Jesus. His disciples left him, Pilate condemned him, Roman soldiers tortured and crucified him.

Still, as long as you keep pointing to the specifics, you will miss the full meaning of your pain. You will deceive yourself into believing that if the people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist. This might be partly true, but the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about your pain was simply the form in which you came in touch with the human condition of suffering. Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity.

Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from "your" pain to the "pain". When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, and even vindictive. You are inclined to do something about the externals of your pain in order to relieve it; this explains why you often seeks revenge. But real healing comes from realizing that your own particular pain is a share in humanity's pain. That realization allows you to forgive your enemies and enter into a truly compassionate life. That is the way of Jesus, who prayed on the cross: "Father forgive them; they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). Jesus' suffering, concrete as it was, was the suffering of all humanity. His pain was "the" pain.

Every time you can shift your attention away from the external situation that caused your pain and focus on the pain of humanity in which you participate, your suffering becomes easier to bear. It becomes a "light burden" and an "easy yoke" (Matthew11:30). Once you discover that you are called to live in solidarity with the hungry, the homeless, the prisoners, the refugees, the sick, and the dying, your very personal pain begins to be converted into "the" pain and you find new strength to live it. Herein lies the hope of all Christians". 

                                            Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love.

"I am worthy. I am loved. I will not be abandoned. I am coming home"


















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